One of the issues that plague so many boys/men is being emotionally entangled with their mothers. This is true especially for boys who were primarily raised by their mothers, in large part due to emotionally and or physically absent fathers. (More on Absent Fathers in forthcoming Part 2)
This enmeshment can take the form of the son becoming, at a very early age, his mother’s confidant, counselor, hero, golden boy, and sadly, even his mother’s surrogate husband on an emotional level. She may look to him for protection, guidance, energy, and caretaking.
Most mothers participating in this dysfunctional dance are not doing so consciously or maliciously. Most boys, who then later become men, are not aware that this enmeshment has even happened. I know I didn’t until I was in my early thirties. Playing out these roles with mother, are very often wreaking havoc on their relationships to lovers, marriages, or lack thereof. (Note: for over thirty years in my writing and lecturing I’ve always included same sex partners when I say “lovers” or “partners.”)
Worst case scenarios for these overly mothered men can range from living in their mother’s basement, attic, or next door, and best case, always siding with their mothers instead of their partners. As many women have said in sessions, “If push came to shove, I believe if my husband or boyfriend had to choose to support me or his mother, he would pick his mother in any family argument or disagreement. For years I’ve coached men that if the mother says it is raining and the wife or lover says it is a beautiful sunny day, tell the mother there is no need for an umbrella.
To sum it up this way with the lyrics from an early twentieth century song sung by Al Jolson: “I want a girl, just like the girl, that married dear old dad.”
If you are a man who resonates with some of what I have said or if you are a woman reading this who sees men wrestling with this issue, I have one of my books to recommend—Breaking the Mother-Son Dynamic: Resetting the Patterns of a Man’s Life and Loves, and a book I have recommended to hundreds of men and women is the great book HE by Robert Johnson.
