Letter 21 St. Louis, MO Dear John, I need to thank you for your book, “The Flying Boy.” I am in the midst of reading it for the second time. The first reading tore me to pieces and put me back together. I had to become consumed with intense pain before I was willing to […]
THE LONELINESS EMERGENCY: From Isolation to Connection
“…Loneliness can be a prison, a place from which we look out at a world we cannot inhabit…” Poet David Whyte Some people are on the mountain of loneliness—rock stars, chefs and business tycoons. Some, who we will never know their names, are in despair, depression, and stuck, barely able to walk or stand. Sadly, […]
Where Do I Go from Her: Writing Out My Divorce – Part I
In this unusual blog post I am sending out samplings of my new soon-to-be eBook. I am very interested in your thoughts and feelings about this little project. So if you have time and the inclination to leave me a note or email me at john@johnleebooks.com, I’d certainly welcome and appreciate any and all responses. Thanks […]
Home for the Holidays
There’s something about that season from Thanksgiving to New Year’s that will bring out the adult children’s worst fears and greatest expectations. One of the biggest fears is that we’ll be alone. The biggest expectation is that we’ll finally have a Christmas the way a normal family does. This Christmas we’ll all be together, and […]
Further Thoughts on Unbecoming
The young person’s task is to primarily emancipate from his or her original family. I have a chapter in my book, Recovery: Plain and Simple, titled, “Saying Goodbye to Mom and Dad.” The teen and early twenties, and now, even men and women in their early thirties, focus on establishing themselves in the world, and […]
Enhancing Emotional Intelligence – Part II
Separation vs Isolation Emotionally intelligent people engage in separation instead of isolation. By age two children begin the process of separating from their parents. By age twelve they are fully engaged in the process; unless the parents did not experience healthy separation from their parents, in which case they will tend to cling and limit […]
Enhancing Emotional Intelligence – Part I
Feelings Are As Important As Facts First things first—A feeling is a fact at the moment a person is experiencing it. Emotion is as important as logic. In other words, if a person feels sad because their pet of ten years is lost or died, the sadness is as real as the sun, and they […]
Crawling Through the Grass of Grief
A Poem by John Lee As I crawled through the tall grass of grief I saw so many interesting and disquieting things. The priest asks us to bend our knees and pray but doesn’t he mean crawl? Crawling makes us indistinguishable from nearly eight or ninety percent of life. Ants crawled right […]
Pagans, Poetry and Back sliding
The University of North Alabama, formerly Florence State College, formerly Florence State Teacher’s College, spread out before me waiting to suck me into its academic belly, digest me and spit me out an educated hillbilly, redneck, retired salesman, boozer and babe chaser, and send me on to seminary and then out into the wicked world […]
Ancient Paths
A Poem by John Lee previously published in The Dragon’s Letters Geese know the ancient path their parents laid out for them in the sky. When horses are born the first thing they do is walk, even if their legs are like water. Animals seem to know what to do when it’s time. […]
Machine Shop
Excerpt from Life is a Funny Old Dog I worked in my dad’s machine shop after school and on Saturdays and sometimes on Sundays. During the summer he would give me a full week’s vacation with pay, and I’d go and visit my granddaddy and grandma on his side of the family. It was there […]
Ophelia
A POEM BY JOHN LEE A baby’s pink and shy blue hydrangea sit like colorful lions guarding her steps that were made out of field stones. The porch was, as we say here in the South, wop-sided to begin with, as much of life down here is. The whole house sat on these same kind […]
School-Dazed and Confused
Now for a totally different kind of blog post in a more personal story/memoir format. Part of the reason I’m doing this is because memoir will be heavily discussed in my latest Writing from the Body workshop. If you like these types of posts, please let me know and I’ll post regularly. Life is a […]
Reflections on Becoming a Rogue Psychologist
I needed the money to supplement the poverty wages I was making as a teaching assistant while working on my master’s degree at the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa. I took a job as a counselor/baby-sitter at what the State called a Center for “emotionally disturbed children” – a euphemism for a holding tank for […]
A Thunderstorm in Mentone – a Poem for my Father
The wind is different tonight. The leaves on the trees move easily. Summer rain cleans the horses grazing the wet grass in the pasture across the road. I saw lightning for the first time in months. It looked like a ragged tuning fork, and I felt the thunder roll through my body. Today, in a […]
Over-Anxious
from The Flying Boy Letters: Responses and Replies 30 Years Later Letter # 31 June 29, 1990 White Bear Lake, Minnesota Dear John: I just finished reading I Don’t Want to Be Alone. As usual, I was so anxious for help that I only read the last half. I’m inspired. It was exactly what I needed. […]
I Can’t Get Angry at my Mother
The Flying Boy Letters: Responses and Replies 30 Years Later Letter # 12 September 11, 1990 Norwalk, Connecticut Dear John: I just finished your book, The Flying Boy, and since I am one, I thought you might be able to provide to me advice regarding a specific issue I’ve been confronting—and one you’ve confronted. First of […]
The Flying Boy Letters: Responses and Replies 30 Years Later
This an excerpt from my forthcoming book written with Kat Hrdina. …I think that an addiction to a person is much worse than an addiction to a drug. My relationship with this man was like a roller coaster ride all the time. We would get close emotionally, so I thought, only to be dumped then […]
And now for a break from psychology and into the realm of fairy tales
“We must let go of the life we planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.” Joseph Campbell …The King then decided to find his ugly snake son a bride and get him married so his golden haired son could get married and inherit the kingdom. So he looked all around […]
Discipline and Punishment
Anger as Punishment and Revenge Alcoholics, addicts, and adult children of alcoholics don’t get angry – they get even. One of the reasons adults have such a problem feeling and expressing their anger is because anger has forever been tied to punishment and revenge. People who are punished – instead of disciplined – tend to […]
Grieving: The Doorway to Healing and to Maturity
This is the time of year when a lot of grief may rise to the surface, and a season that should not be about money. In that regard, when I first started my counseling career over 30 years ago, I did so with the objective to just help folks. Even though I have kept that objective in […]
Fair Fighting: 7 Steps
Jenny and her husband George both said, “we never fight,” like it was a good thing. We explored further why they didn’t fight and found out that they didn’t really know how to fight fair, so they all but gave themselves an emotional hernia trying not to. However, what they did do on the rare […]
Asking the Important Questions – Part II: by John Lee
In celebration of my 65th birthday in October, I’m going to post a couple of poems – given that I still want to be a poet when I grow up. Also in October, to celebrate getting Social Security Retirement, I’m going to be more social than usual for a dyed-in-the-wool introvert. I will be giving a public reading […]
Asking the Important Questions – Part I: by John Lee
In celebration of my 65th birthday in October, I’m going to post a couple of poems – given that I still want to be a poet when I grow up. Also in October, to celebrate getting Social Security Retirement, I’m going to be more social than usual for a dyed-in-the-wool introvert. I will be giving a public reading […]
Symptoms of Depression and Passivity
Sadness that does not abate The passive person is often sad in part because they do not actively grieve their missed opportunities, sabotaged relationships, passed over for promotions and much more. When depression is not bio-chemical it is usually brought about by repressed and denied emotions that continually build into full-blown depression. Loss of interest […]
2016 Minnesota Men’s Conference
The Minnesota Men’s Conference is near and dear to my heart, and this link will take you to an exciting and worthwhile opportunity to help others. I hope you will consider giving back to this cause. Please click here: https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/2016-minnesota-men-s-conference-poetry#/
Life Is A Funny Old Dog – Introduction
An Excerpt from the Introduction of a Memoir in Progress In Alabama, if you meet someone you know you say, “How’s your momma’n’em?” If you don’t know them, you say hello, pass some pleasantries, and then you say, “So who are your people?” Let me answer this question. These are my people, at least the […]
Announcement – I will be offering 2-Day Intensive Sessions in Austin, Texas beginning September 1, 2016
I’m pleased to announce that after a break from offering my 2-day Intensives in Austin, Texas, I am now making those available again starting September 1, 2016 at the Austin Men’s Center, thanks to Director Bill Bruzy. As most of you know Austin is not only charming and beautiful, it is a convenient location for […]
HOW to Tell the Difference Between Anger and Rage
A woman called me the other day for help. When I asked her what the problem was, she didn’t hesitate. “I am living with the angriest man in the world.” I said, “Tell me how he expresses his anger?” After four or five descriptive sentences I said, “I hate to interrupt, but everything you’ve said […]
Boundaries
WE HAVE TO WATCH OUT WHERE WE’RE GOING: Boundary Errors and Boundary Violations First, a boundary is “This is how close you can come to me:” physically, spiritually, in conversations about love or money, etc. A “boundary error” is when someone, whether friend or foe, has crossed over into my space, my yard, my soul, […]
Passivity – Part II
Identifying Passivity Passivity is a compulsion or learned tendency to live at half-speed regarding certain segments of their life. Almost no-one reading this is “purely” passive but rather exhibiting passive tendencies which ultimately leaves people feeling their life or career glass is half-empty and thus halfheartedly committing to projects, plans and goals. Passive people are […]
Passivity – Part I
Solving the Problem of Passivity Passivity is the compulsion to pursue the opposite of what we say we want. This compulsion left unidentified and dealt with leaves us unfulfilled at best, sabotages success and at worst depressed, hopeless and feeling victimized. “I don’t care. Whatever you want is fine with me.” “It is not the […]
Unbecoming: From Despair to Love-Part 5
I can’t tell you all that I have hoped for here on this mountain this year. Somewhere along the way, perhaps walking my three animal companions through the woods on a winter afternoon I began filling the hole in my soul with Faith. I’ve learned a few important things perhaps six but still remember this one and that is by letting go of hoping and holding the hands of faith and resting in the palm of process it will cure some of the sores of Despair.
Unbecoming: From Despair to Love-Part 4
Hope is a well-set bear trap that we set for others almost daily. The poet Rumi says, “I shoot an arrow to the left, it lands right. I go after a deer and get chased by a wart hog. I did a pit to trap others. I should be suspicious of what I want.” We provide even the people we love with just enough false hope or encouragement on towards the impossible outcome. Hope like happiness is a turtle trying to catch and pass the hare of our desires. Hope is always in pursuit of something being some other way than the way it is.
Unbecoming: From Despair to Love-Part 3
Coming here to this cottage in the woods I assigned myself what I know now to be an impossible task and that was to learn how to be alone again and in so doing engage in the task of being happy. I needed to know that in this rural setting with no lovers, wives, little money, but dump truck loads of peace and quiet I could I acquire this illusory thing called happiness that everyone including me has been so desperately searching for most of our lives.
Unbecoming: From Despair to Love-Part 2
Before I can tell you about my despair or really listen to anyone’s I have to be connected to the anxiety that I have numbed, avoided, suppressed and discounted and most of all confused with fear all the while being diagnosed and treated for depression. Doctor Freud tells us that anxiety “is a riddle whose solution would be bound to throw a floodlight on our whole mental existence.”
Unbecoming: From Despair to Love-Part 1
Here are, then, the fruits of this process that words will barely do justice to, if they will do it justice at all. Here in this house I will write what I know deep in the marrow of my bones what I believe today after a lifetime of searching, teaching, learning and more searching.